found this piece by Heidi Priebe online and had to share...

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By Heidi Priebe

I hope that we come back as birds. I hope the next life we live doesn’t tie us down to one place or one taste or one understanding of the world as it appears on solid ground. I hope that in our next plane of living we are freer than we were ever in this one — that we follow any wind where it blows and we don’t worry about where we call home and that we never have to feel lost or found because wherever we rest our weary wings together, we know we already belong. I hope that in the next life we get, we’re untethered. That we belong to the sun and the skies and to each other and that nothing has to tear us from the wild.

I hope that we come back as trees. I hope our roots nestle into the earth, our souls learn to scream out in mirth and that each winter drives us deeper and closer into the dirt we’ll return to in the end. I hope our branches reach up to the skies and your roots start to intertwine with mine and that we never hear stories of the pastures, the fields and the open roads that could have beckoned us away, toward some Neverland with always-greener grass. I hope that in another lifetime, exactly what we have is enough.

I hope that we come back as spiders. I hope that in our next life, we are creatures so dreadful and loathsome that our sins no longer feel caked on our skin — that our repulsion and disfavour is a God-given part of our nature that we can no longer deny. I hope we have no qualms about the badness of our being in the next life we get to live out. I hope we relish in the chance to be dreadful — all our actions so evilly pure and intentions insincere. I hope in our next lives, we come to make peace with our atrociousness.

I hope that we come back as pilots. I hope we spend years scanning the skies, passing each other by — just a few miles or a few airports or a few patches of turbulent weather apart. I hope you tip your hat to me late one summer afternoon in a dingy airport lounge. I hope I daydream about you that night — eyes growing hazy and hands growing lazy with the thought of your lips upon mine. I hope we die in a fiery crash, thousands of miles above the earth, never knowing quite how explosive we could have been down on the ground.

I hope that we come back as strangers. I hope I’m raised in a cramped Brooklyn loft with a burnt-out pair of parents who name me something asinine and you’re a rich kid from the upper East side and our eyes lock one day on the 6 train when my tethered, choppy style entices your lopsided smile. I hope we share a wine-drunk kiss in the back of a Soho bar and that you make me forget where we are and that for one night our star-crossed love affair can light all of Manhattan on fire.

I hope that you come back courageous — as someone stronger and taller and braver than you ever knew how to be in this lifetime. I hope that you don’t second-guess who you are, that your capability stretches far, that the distance between your heart and mine becomes small enough to bridge in the world that we have to look forward to.

I hope I come back as someone who can love you. As the kind of girl whose mind doesn’t race and whose knees never quake and who knows how to offer my heart in a way that won’t waiver or wane. I hope that I am big enough, brave enough, whole enough to realize that a lifetime beside you could be greater and wilder and freer than any I could entertain on my own.

I hope we learn to call each other home.

I hope we come back as people we’re not. As ones who aren’t afraid to make a move or take a chance or base their lives on happenstance. Ones who don’t need a rhythm or rhyme. Ones who don’t worry if the stars are ever going to align.

And ones who don’t have to pin their hopes on the existence of some other lifetime.

Heidi Priebe is the author of The First New Universe, The Comprehensive ENFP Survival Guide, and The Comprehensive INFP Survival Guide.

So today I took an psychedelic drug called 5-MeO-DMT. Here is a Forbes article about it in case you want to learn more.

I first heard about this crazy toad healing substance while attending a dinner party to celebrate the launch Dr. Azra Raza’s book, The First Cell. There was a young woman there by the name of Alison, whose pure heart and light tapped into my soul when she told me about the healing work she is up to. I also spoke to her father that night, a fellow cancer survivor, who told me, “It’s like nothing you will ever experience…. I recommend it for everyone who has gone through cancer. What takes years of therapy is taken care of in one session. And with my daughter as my guide, it was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.”

What he said, spoke to me. So naturally, I reached out to Alison and booked an appointment for my trippy toad experience. This was March 2020, so naturally that didn’t happen. So when I saw an email pop up in my inbox 2 weeks ago, I had to inquire and reach out.

There was a slot open in Sonoma, California. So I said—LEHGO. It’s time for some healing.

Little bit about me. I don’t do drugs. I couldn’t even have a conversation about drugs because I just don’t know about them. I know people like to “roll” at parties to loud synthetic music. I have never taken part in and have never been interested in that scene. What does interest me though is mushrooms, especially after reading “How to Change Your Mind” by Michael Pollan. In all honesty, I have not finished reading it, and I am cheating and listening on audiobook… but the chapter on Mushrooms blew my brain open. This article also peaked my interest in the world of healing plant medicine and psychedelics.

Arriving in Sonoma, California was 90 min drive. I had time to stop by the local bookstore before heading to the home where it would take place. Alison and her dog, Zia, greeted me with the kindest spirit. The pup rested her head on my feet at the table where we sat, as Alison explained the details of the treatment to me. She used the phrase “ego-less, death-like” place to describe the sensation, which gave me a chill and made me think of my Nana.

Then I came into the space where the treatment would take place. I took off my shoes and made my way to the center of the room, where a large white blanket was spread with a pillow. A giant beautiful antler chandelier hung above me, and the space smelled like sage. A woman named Celeste saged me down, and then Alison went through the breathing procedures.

I took my first deep breath in, freaking out on the inside about what was going to happen. 2nd deep breath. What this would all feel like? 3rd deep breath. What if I start screaming and looking like a crazy person ripping off my clothes or something?! Alison lights up the crystals and I inhale the toad medicine smoke. I breathe too fast, even though she told me to do it slowly… so then I slow it down. then stop. Fear that I am doing it wrong. Fear that I am a bad drug taker. haha inhaling… and then I let go.

What happened next I am still trying to sort through. I was gone. All that is Brianna Mercado was completely absent. It was just my soul. My life force. I recall a kaleidoscope effect. Seeing and experiencing this spiral and twist of vibrant colors. But being within and among the shades and movement of it. Falling back, spinning back away from it. My body wants to move and twist as I describe it. And then I recall a sensation of holding on to something. The best way I can physicalize it would be like switching my head back and forth as if being pulled in two different directions. One path was the truth, and ugly, and scary, and the other was like an old way of being, my ego, a way of acting. I was guided to push through and made it, and then my favorite part… Peace. Serenity. Just a feeling of complete vastness and infinite Love. It doesn't look like anything… it was a powerful sensation felt throughout my entire body. All-encompassing, powerful, beautiful, and infinite.

Now… I will stop here to say that I know that I sound like a total hippy saying this. So I will say this: As human beings, we are limited by our worldly senses and minds of reasoning. The language we have doesn’t work to describe the unspeakable things in this world. The word “Infinite” itself is limiting. It’s an 8 letter word that means “to go on forever”… but what does it really mean? What does Infinity feel like? Now, after this experience, I know!

I started coming back to my body. It literally felt like I died and came back to life. (Studies I read about later told me that the brain actually fires the same way when you die as when you take this compound.) It was in a peaceful, beautiful way. Not in the scared or traumatic way. I felt lighter. I felt connected to the core of the earth. Rooted like a tree. I also feel my tailbone/head connection powerfully through my spine, energy flowing like bright lava through my bones and in my veins. Laying in corpse pose, with my palms up, I feel powerful waves of emotion, so I allow the tears to flow, connecting to my breathe and where my body feels tension. I feel my ego come back on full blast, “What happened to you? What did you just do? Ooo man…. make sure you lay still. Be good! Don’t cry too much! Okay just kidding, let it out… O wait… they may be watching you.”

My earthly tether came back. I am asked how I am doing by a soft gentle voice, and I awaken and sit up. I give Alison a hug, and I thank her so much for this experience. In the weeks to come, I may experience more of it in my dreams and while meditating. Honestly, I look forward to it. Healed people, heal people. And this is why I am here. On this planet.

I wanted more than anything to celebrate love and squeeze Juliet as soon as I returned home. I took a little excursion to the Golden Gate Bridge on my way home.

I am proud of myself for doing this. The extent and risk at which I go to heal myself is admirable, and I see that now. I have a renewed love for myself. Love and respect for my life and all the beings in it. I also know that if that is an ounce of what death feels like, we are all going to such a wonderful, peaceful place and have nothing to fear. Life is for living. Living is only possible with Love. And lucky for us, Love infinite.

“More is lost by indecision than wrong decision.
Indecision is the thief of opportunity.
It will steal you blind.”

Marcus Tullius Cicero

I got into grad school today. I am excited, eager, and freaked out.

I am most proud of the fact that I did this by myself and for myself. I am so worthy of this opportunity. Let’s repeat that again. wow. I am so worthy. Mind-Body Medicine is something that I am so passionate about, and while I invest this time and money into healing myself and reading countless books, I might as well earn a Masters degree in it!

Money is always the huge question and scare with all of this high education stuff. My dad nearly spit out his coffee when I told him the cost. My goal will be to get 100% of it paid for though scholarships and through working. And even still…. a student loan isn’t going to kill me. And while this might sound morbid, they are forgiven when you die. So take me, already having cancer twice, knowing this…. it kinda really motivates me to just take the risk!

A friend of mine, Gina, said it best on the phone with me the other day. She said, “Look girl…. ANY investment in your mind, body, spirit is going to be worth it.” I agree 10000%. And that is exactly what this program is.

Let the journey begin! (Well technically not now… but on August 30th!)

I am practicing writing.

I don’t think many people (if ANY people) actually read what I have on here. So I will be personally using this space to challenge myself to freely write what is going on in this noggin of mine.

The most exciting news at the moment is that I am applying for grad school. (Hence the need to practice writing!) I had to submit a writing sample from my undergrad as part of the application, and WOW was I embarrassed. Why, of all of the topics and prompts to write about, did Brianna of 2013 choose to write about a lousy two and a half page paper on Diarrheal Disease? Oy. My life.

I also signed up for a triathlon! I am very thankful for my friend, Jessica Jin, for encouraging me to just pull the trigger on doing it! It has always been a goal of mine to do one. My weakness is definitely going to be the running portion, especially because it is right at the end. I have been enjoying my runs around the neighborhood. It’s truly amazing how far you can go by simply putting one foot in front of the other.

I am proud of myself for continuing to seek challenges. What a strange year it has been. Pandemic. Lock down. Moving back to California. Relationships ending. Reuniting with old friends. Dancing. Always dancing. Turning 30. The song that has been my anthem these days is “True To Your Heart” by 98 degrees. “What is true for me?” is a question I keep asking myself when I mediate every morning. If the place deep down in my gut speaks, I listen and take action. Even if my amygdala gets activated. (Get it? Nerd joke- because the amygdala is the thing that gets activated when we feel fear. That’s something interesting right there… Fear is nothing but a stimulated amygdala!)

I am facing so much imposter syndrome around applying to grad school and doing this triathlon. But at the same time, I am stepping into a way of being. One that is still powerful and positive and me, but in a new way. I am reading the book “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle, and she speaks so eloquently and clear about this. This act of becoming someone new.

“Destruction is essential to construction… We are alive only to the degree in which we are willing to be annihilated. Our new life will always cost us the first one. If we are truly alive, we are constantly losing who we just were, what we just built, what we just believed, what we just knew to be true.” (pg 73-75)

She continues:

“I am a human being, meant to be in perpetual becoming. If I am living bravely, my entire life will become a million deaths and rebirths. My goal is not to remain the same but to live in such a way that each day, year, moment, relationship, conversation, and crisis is the material I use to become a truer, more beautiful version of myself. The goal is to surrender, constantly, who I just was in order to become who this next moment calls me to be.

I will not hold on to a single existing idea, opinion, identity, story, or relationship that keeps me from emerging new. I cannot hold too tightly to any riverbank. I must let go of the shore in order to travel deeper and see farther. Again and again and then again. Until the final death and rebirth. Right up until then.” (pg 77)

Let the destruction and construction begin. I think it would be really cool to look back 30 years from now and not even recognize the human I was. If I was told I was going to die in a year, I would be sad only for the fact that there are so many things I haven't learned or done yet. If I really want to make a difference in curing cancer, NOW is the time. If I really want to dance and make meaningful work, NOW is the time. If I really want to make an impact in my community, inspire kids to dance, and heal the world, the only time I have is now.

Thumper: Being brave is easy.
Bambi: It is?
Thumper: Sure, watch this. Argh!
Flower: I think he's got a hairball.
Thumper: No, silly. I'm being brave. All you got to do is be scarier than whatever's scaring you.

—

The quote is from the movie “Bambi II,” one of my most favorite movies. It has some profound life quotes beautiful moments in there! Pretty special for a silly sequel animated Disney film.

It was such an honor to be a part of the first virtual Courageous Kids day in partnership with Starting Arts here in San Jose, CA! I used to attend this event every year with my family. It was such a great day to celebrate life, be with family, and not be the only weird bald kid walking around. I also stayed involved with this American Cancer Society event in college as a volunteer, setting up a friendship bracelet table as an Ambassador. It feels good to dig my heels in to the soil under my feet, reconnect with my Bay Area hometown, and give back to my community.

I hope this silly dance encouraged at least 1 kid to wiggle a little bit. If I did that, I did my job! I believe dance has such an incredible opportunity to heal both patients dealing with trauma, and parents and siblings dealing with the stress of it all.

Thankful for this opportunity.